Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Black Dogs, Electric Sheep, & Dysphoric Humans

So, I'm feeling quite dysphoric today. I can't concentrate at all, and I'm tired. I had a hard time trying to figure out exactly what I was experiencing. At first I thought I was just tired and not feeling well from sinus (cedar season just began) and getting over a cold. Then I thought, maybe I'm restless from it almost being the holiday weekend, and still needing to go shopping for a gift. However, I also just want to curl up and go to sleep, although I'm not sure I could. (If you don't know, ask your local geek what electric sheep have to do with sleeping (and more specifically, dreaming) And, even if I wasn't at work, I don't know what I'd be doing. Nothing sounds like I'd enjoy it.

I hate this feeling. I almost find myself wishing I was depressed instead, because that's a little easier to deal with. Of course, I wouldn't agree while being depressed. I was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder several years ago. The symptoms used to be out of control, now they are just really annoying for a couple of days at a time, and pretty much forgotten about the rest of the time. Of course, it'd be nice for them to just go away altogether, but I'm pretty happy that they aren't running my life, or dictating what I do on a daily basis anymore.

I'm not presently on medicine. I used to be, and honestly, it was just as bad, in a way all it's own. It lessened the duration of my depression phases, but heightened the sensation of mixed states and dysphoria. The dysphoric states it created basically left me feeling as though my body was depressed, but my mind couldn't be because of the medicine, or the other way around. Things just never were in sync.

I'm doing much better now, and the majority of my days are just normal, which is quite nice. As for today, it's almost over anyway (the work portion that is), and usually by the time I've figured out what is bothering me, its only a day or two from going away. So, Happy Holidays to everyone!